An acquaintance of mine recently died. She was a vibrant, giving spirit and loved by many, many people. Funerals make me uncomfortable even when I was close to the deceased but even more so when I didn’t know them well. I didn’t go to her funeral for me. I went to her funeral as a show of support to other friends that were close to her. I’m glad I did because it was a beautiful service and she was memorialized well by her friends and family.
Speakers made us laugh and cry as they spoke of Brenda and all of her “-isms.” The recurring theme was her enormous heart and her amazing ability to be a friend. She always had time for coffee or a phone call, she always hand-selected the perfect gift, and she was fiercely loyal.
By nature, I am a crier and I hate it. Sappy commercials, weddings, you name it – I’ll tear up. I did a fairly good job holding it together until one of her closest friends began her eulogy. The pain in her voice was evident as she spoke of Brenda’s influence and support, the hilarious outtakes, and the unconditional love for her husband. But what she said next hung in the air and hasn’t left me since.
“She was a better friend to me than I was to her.”
Ouch.
What a confession. What a painful realization. To admit such a shortcoming in public takes an enormous amount of bravery and humility.
I can’t remember much of what followed because I felt such a profound impact from those words.
She was a better friend to me than I was to her.
From ‘Calvin and Hobbes’ by Bill Watterson – Universal Press Syndicate
As I walked away from the church, I questioned my own friendship skills and how I had handled myself over the past year. During some fairly significant life changes, I cut ties with several people I felt had given up on me. I still feel like it was the right thing to do but I wondered: had I been a better friend, would they have let me walk away so easily?
Dictionary.com defines ‘friend’ as:
- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard;
- a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter;
- a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile;
- a member of the same nation, party, etc.
This definition tells us what a friend is but leaves a pretty broad spectrum of interpretation on HOW to be a friend. Much like any relationship, we all have different needs so our expectations often stem from what we would or wouldn’t do. For some, being a friend may mean you must be available by phone anywhere, anytime. For others, it may mean that time and distance is irrelevant for picking up just where you left off when you meet again.
Examining my own actions, I touch base to check in, ask how things are going, offer words of encouragement when needed, and always ask how I can help. I’ve never been good and just getting in and doing something when it needed to be done – it’s been something I’ve learned to do over the years. When a friend I hadn’t seen since high school had a heart attack, I didn’t ask, I just brought dinner for her family after she got out of the hospital. I didn’t need anything in return because I knew it was appreciated.
What I’m not sure I ever did was live up to other’s expectations of what my friendship should look like.
Expectations are nasty little vermin that burrow into our subconscious and infect us. They break down relationships and cause fights. Unspoken, they can leave us feeling misunderstood, angry, and lonely. Let’s face it, if you get upset with someone for not meeting your expectations but you never actually verbalized them, you’re going to be awfully lonely. I’m not a mind reader and neither is anyone else.
Snoopy – From ‘Peanuts’ by Charles M. Schulz. United Feature Syndicate.
I think, perhaps, that friendship isn’t so much about what to do but what NOT to do. There are the girlfriend codes, bro codes, etc., that focus on the what-not-to-dos. Never cancel plans with your friends for a boyfriend/girlfriend; keep friend conversations confidential; be supportive and don’t say “I told you so”; if you come together, leave together; and never, EVER, hook up with your friend’s ex.
The definition of an enemy is one who feels hatred towards, intends injury to, or opposes the interests of another. So if your so-called friend takes action that injures you, does that automatically make them an enemy? Perhaps.
The bible talks quite a bit about loving thy enemy but I think that energy is placed in the wrong area. Many leadership assessments, like Strengths Finders 2.0, tell you to quit focusing on your weaknesses, start focusing on building your strengths, and surround yourself with people that complement those strengths or fill in for your weaknesses. This practice can apply quite nicely to friendships, me thinks.
I am learning to surround myself with those that have weathered the test of time and continue to show support based not on what they do but what they don’t do. They don’t get mad at me when I’m buried in school work and don’t call. They don’t get upset with me if I don’t confide in the marital problems I’ve been having. They don’t call my ex to get his side of the story after we broke up. Those are going to be the friendships I focus on.
After careful thought and consideration, I’ve come up with my own take on what it means to be a friend and I believe it’s really quite simple: Be there as best as you can.
Conversely, we all need to acknowledge we are limited in our ability to be a friend and recognize those limitations in others. Sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes we are distracted. Sometimes we don’t know how we’re needed.
I keep Brenda’s funeral program tacked to my wall as a reminder to be a better friend. To not intentionally harm those I love and apologize immediately when I do. I wish I had known Brenda better than I did but I have people in my life I can focus on to be the type of friend she was to others.
Rest in peace, Brenda. May your legacy live on in better friendships.
